teapot1

teapot1

Saturday, August 2, 2014


Weekend Writing Warriors

 


Once again I’m taking part in the Weekend Writing Warriors Snippet Sunday. Here are eight sentences from my novel-in-progress, A Certain Shade of Blue. In my previous snippet, six-year-old Claire was awakened by her baby brother’s crying, then by a scream. This snippet follows. Comments and suggestions are welcome. Thanks!

 
She sees her mother leaning on her father by Toby’s crib, half drooping, he trying to support her, hold her up, like trying to hold water. The sounds coming from her mother’s mouth are unearthly, frightening. A shocked, scared hiccuping noise rises from the child’s own throat. Her father looks up. Claire, go back to bed, his voice cracks. What’s the matter, Daddy? Just go back to your room, he says. She runs back, collapses into her bed, and curls up under the covers, shaking.

 

18 comments:

  1. Mother is obviously in a bad state and as a reader, I'd want to read on to know why. When you write, make sure you break your speakers up into different paragraphs. It makes for a much easier read. I like the description of the crying as hiccuping. Watch out for misplaced modifiers--ie., the covers aren't shaking.

    https://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks for reading, Joyce, and for your feedback. Much appreciated.

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  2. Suspenseful! Wondering what happened to the baby...

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    1. Glad it intrigued you, E. E. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  3. Oh god what the hell happened to her. It seems so frightening.

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    1. It's something that stays with her her whole life, Linda. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  4. I had to read it a couple times, as the shock scared noise from the child...I thought it meant the baby...but the baby is dead, I think. So I'm guessing it's from Claire. The story itself is making my heart break, you're tugging at my heartstrings.

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    1. Thank you, Millie! I'm glad you're intrigued!

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  5. I needed a second read-through too. Maybe it's the 8 sentence format that causes some uncertainty. But I think you have some great emotion here. I'd like to see this in full-scene form, without any restrictions on format. Nice to have you on our little blog hop :)

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    1. Thanks, Marcia. This format does put things out of context; I hope it would be clearer in a complete scene. Thank your for reading.

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  6. Very powerful. I really feel for the frightened child. Love the description "like trying to hold water".

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  7. Very sad, intense...so well described from the little girl's point of view.

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    1. Thank you, Veronica. Much appreciated.

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  8. This is a case where use of a name to say who's hiccuping would add clarity.

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    1. Thanks for the suggestion, Sue Ann, and for reading! I appreciate it.

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  9. Wow, lots of emotion here. I'm hooked. I want to know what's going on. Good 8 :-)

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    1. Thank you, Teresa. So glad you found it interesting!

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