Weekend Writing Warriors (UBC and NaBloPoMo
Day 6)
I’m taking part in the
Weekend Writing Warriors Snippet Sunday. Today I’m posting eight sentences from
my novel-in-progress, A Certain Shade of Blue. This is the opening. Any and all comments are welcome. Thanks.
A child
half wakes in the night, stirred by the sounds coming from down the hall. Oh,
Toby, stop, she thinks hazily. Her baby brother seems to cry constantly.
She’s used to it, but she’s tired. She covers her ears with her pillow and
sinks back to sleep.
Then the shocks ravage her body and
her eyes shoot open; the sound of the scream is shivering in her bones.
It wasn’t a dream. It was her
mother.
I think I'd like to know the child's name and gender in the opening line, since "A child" is to vague. Since she is just waking up, and you have strong inner dialogue, I believe the word "hazily" fails to add anything. I'd also remove the word "seems" and be more direct. The "She’s used to it, but she’s tired." line is straight telling and isn't needed, but I love the action of covering her ears with her pillow. That shows how she's feeling without having to tell us.
ReplyDeleteI thinks "the shocks ravage her body" is a bit much. I think of ravage as a severe situation destroying her body. That doesn't happen with a baby brother crying. Same with "the scream is shivering in her bones." These need to be toned down.
"It wasn’t a dream. It was her mother." Do you mean her mother is doing the screaming? If brother's been screaming all night and keeping her up, why would she think this was a dream? I wasn't sure as written; however, the idea of Mom's scream is quite intriguing. I'd love to know what's going on.
Interesting start.
http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2014/07/8-weekend-writing-warriors-blog-hop.html
Joyce, thanks for your thoughtful critique. The scene becomes more clear with the next passage after this one. This is actually a prologue that shows a critical point in the childhood of my adult heroine, something that influences her all her life. Thank you for reading and for your thoughts. They are very helpful.
DeleteThis works pretty well as an intro. Establishes the scene and the characters, and doesn't waste much time getting to the action. The only thing I wondered was if maybe the scream should be announced before its effects? It's easier to follow if cause and effect are kept in order.
ReplyDeleteLike it, good stuff, and good luck! :)
Thank you, DR, for reading and your thoughtful comments. I appreciate it and will definitely take them into consideration as I rewrite!
DeleteAs an intro, this hooks me. I like the immediate internal dialogue and starting with the action. I also would like to have the child's name as it would connect me with her immediately. Setting up Toby's cries as "constant" and her being used to it let me believe she'd be able to fall back asleep.
ReplyDeleteThe last few lines would read clearer to me if it were something like: "The scream pierces her sleep; her eyes shoot open and she feels a shivering in her bones.
It wasn't Toby. It was her mother."
A lot is said with these 8 sentences!
As always, Amy, I appreciate your critique. Being able to use only eight sentences cuts out a lot of context, I know, and her name is given shortly after this scene. And I will think about redoing those lines!
DeleteDramatic, distressing, effective excerpt. The "shocks ravage her body" line made me expect gunshots or an earthquake or something physical to her, you know? So I'm with Joyce, maybe that line needs tweaking?
ReplyDeleteHi, Veronica, it seems that line was problematic for a lot of readers, so I will need to do something else with it. I really appreciate your taking the time and trouble to read and comment. Thanks so much.
DeleteGripping! Yes, I would put the scream before the effects as well, but I kind of like the anonymity of "A child half wakes", rather than naming said child. I think it adds to the suspense.
ReplyDeleteThat was my intention, Debbie. Thanks so much for your thoughts. I'll definitely keep everyone's comments in mind when I revise.
DeleteI'm left wondering why her mother is screaming? And if Toby's not screaming anymore...is Toby okay? Ugh.
ReplyDeleteThat's the part that comes next, Millie :-) ! Thanks for reading.
DeleteWow, that's a super opening. I'm thinking something awful is happening either to her mother or Toby. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Elaine.
DeleteSounds like something's happened to Toby, but I agree that the shocks ravaging her body is a bit much. My first thought was electric shocks.
ReplyDeleteYes, I guess that line didn't work too well, so I'll have to rework it! Thanks for your comments, Sue Ann.
DeleteI agree about needing a name rather than just 'a child'. I'd also leave out the phrase about the shocks, and start that sentence with 'Her eyes shot open'.
ReplyDeleteThis opening definitely wants me to read on - to find out what has caused the scream.
Thanks, Paula! I'm so glad you want to know more. I appreciate your comments.
DeleteI disagree about needing to name the character in this opening section so long as a name follows pretty immediately after. I think the disorienting effect of not revealing it here is artificial because we haven't seen what follows, at which point many of these unresolved questions--I assume--fall into place. I do think the piece about the mother screaming is a little confusing, but I'm not sure if that's just because I don't know what's going on yet (see previous point). It's a great opening hook. However, I think the "shivering in her bones" bit might sound a little cliche.
ReplyDeleteYes, I think the shivering and the shocks definitely need more work. I appreciate knowing that those things didn't sit well with most of you. And yes, everything becomes clearer in the following passages...though not entirely clear, at least not to my protagonist! Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Delete