teapot1

teapot1

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


U Unremembered


When you lose your only sibling, you lose much more than the person he or she is now, more than his or her presence in your life.

You lose the only person who shared your childhood and your growing up, the one who has so many of the same memories you do.

When you lose someone, people tell you that you will always have your memories, and in a large way that’s true. But in other ways it isn’t true.
 

A memory shared is a memory enhanced; in talking about it, each person adds things the other forgot, adds his or her own point of view on it. A memory no longer shared is half lost.

And when, on top of that, you lose your only remaining parent to dementia, the damage to the past is multiplied. There’s no one now to whom I can say “Remember that candy store in Chicago Heights and how we used to have to go through a tunnel under the street to get there? Remember the ice cream place where the scoops were square-shaped? Remember when we moved to Rhode Island, and how I couldn’t imagine that there was any place that wasn’t in Illinois? Remember?” Now I remember alone.


This was brought home especially to me when I was cleaning out my mother’s things from her apartment after she moved. She was kind of a pack rat; she had boxes full of old papers, letters, and such. Among them were many of my father’s documents from his service in World War II. My father was a good raconteur and told a lot of interesting and funny stories about when he was serving in Europe. But one thing he never talked about was the concentration camps. It was my mother who told us that his company had been one of first to liberate the camps. Among his things I found some old photos that shocked and froze me: pictures from Buchenwald. I omit the details.


Why had he saved these? Had he taken them, or had someone else? I could understand why he’d never shown them to my brother and me or even talked about it. Yet in looking back I think those pictures might have been a key to some of his behavior that I found hard to understand--mood swings and sudden explosions of temper. How could anyone who saw that not be profoundly affected?
 

Had I known about these photos before my mother became ill, maybe we could have talked about them. I could have asked her why my father saved them. If he had ever talked to her about what he had seen. She always forgave his outbursts when they occurred; did she instinctively understand what those covered-up and unshared memories might have been doing to him?


If my brother were still here, I could share the photos with him and talk about them. Our father had been pretty hard on him at times when we were growing up, yet I know he loved and missed our dad after he died. I would love to know what he would have thought. 


I wish I had had such a conversation with my brother before he passed away, but there never seemed to be the right occasion. I always thought the two of us would have each other after both our parents were gone, that we’d grow old together. I never thought my mother’s mind would fade so much.


I never expected to be the last one left, with memories that will remain only mine and questions that can never now be resolved.  


10 comments:

  1. Elaine, I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. Of your parents too, of course, but we expect our parents to predecease us.

    Perhaps you can find a historical project that would be very glad to have the pictures, or copies of them, and might through that, find others such as yourself who are in the same position.

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  2. "A memory no longer shared is half lost." Oh, this is so true Elaine. I so wish that you and your mom did have the opportunity to share what she knew about the photos. It's so hard to come across things when they are gone. I found many things when cleaning out my parents house after their passing that I would have given anything to be able to discuss. I don't have a solution or anything to say that can make it better. It's just a void I've come to learn to deal with. My heart goes out to you.

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  3. I believe thatit is ot easy ... Sorry ...

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  4. Such a hard post - thank you for delving into such emotional topics, even if your memories seem lost - when you share here, your readers get to experience a taste of your rich experiences. thank you Elaine.

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  5. I'm an only child and I think a lot about this. My mother's house is full of stuff, and I'm sure there will be lots of unanswered questions once she's gone that just won't be answered. I would ask but not even sure what the questions are.

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  6. First a virtual (((hug)))) and then let me just say that my mom has told me similar things. She says she has no one to 'verify' her memories and she is sure some of them are skewed. She tries to tell me stories and I love hearing them and making notes from them, but if she tells the same story twice, it may be quite different. I always feel sad that she is remembering alone and I feel sad that you are there now yourself. But the good news is, both you and my momma have the capability to remember...and that is a blessing. ♥

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  7. I don't know what to say except it was a very brave post and I send you virtual hugs as well.

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  9. Hello, Elaine. I'm so sorry for your losses and these difficult times. I have three older siblings, a sister and two brothers, and I can't imagine life without them. I also have a grandmother with Alzheimer's. It's a difficult disease, for the patient and the patient's loved ones. Wishing you and your family many blessings, Elaine.

    Have a lovely week and happy A to Z.

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  10. I understand how you feel. I've lost my mom and dad and my brother and I are the only ones left in our family. It leaves a "hole" in one's heart to lose family members who take a part of our combined family history with them. I hope you find peace making your own future family memories. And, don't forget photos. Take lots of photos! If you have a chance, visit my blog at:

    www.dianeweidenbenner.com

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